How to Criticize And Feel Good About Yourself

When one does something essentially positive, he/she has no problem feeling good about himself/herself. However, the issue arises when one has to do something that is considered negative. For example, criticize another person’s behavior.

For a long period of time this has been a huge challenge for me. And it bothered me especially when a friend wanted my honest opinion, and I could not give one because I cared too much about her and our relationship to “spoil” everything by saying something negative about her behavior.  Eventually, I’ve come to realization that by criticizing, I’m doing something essentially good for another person. I’m helping her see something about her behavior she might not be able to see herself.

But how to voice our concerns, so that other people hear them the way we want them to be heard? At the end of the day, we all know that criticism might be useful, but it can still hurt us, especially if someone uses  harsh words. So, how do we actually give justified criticism at the right time and place?

Every criticism must allow the change. That means, every sentence that begins with "You are ..." is not right because it is not necessary for a person to change himself/herself but his/her behavior. We criticize to give feedback to the other party so that he/she can improve and both our lives can be better.

Those who criticize should check whether the criticism is generally desirable, and if the place and time is appropriate. Being criticized in public, for exaple, is not something anyone would want to have.

Criticism should be explanatory. You ought to communicate to a person being criticized that changes in his/her behavior would be desirable since you would feel better, or it would be better for that person (and explain why). For example, you need your little one to clean up his/her room, you would tell them to please do it so that he/she can have more space for playing, or you are very tired and it would mean a lot if he/she helped around the house by cleaning up his/her room.

Criticism should not be evaluating. Rather, it should be pleading. It is not good to say "Your stupid ... goes on my nerves.” Correct way would be to say, for example: "I do not feel so good when you listen to loud music. Can you, please, use a headset? "

Criticize with motivation. To be able to express criticism and expect that it will be taken into consideration, one ought to say when he/she likes something as well. Praise someone when he/she is doing something positive.

So, to sum up, good way of criticizing looks something like this:

·         Observe: Describe your vision of another person’s conduct, without evaluation.

·         Clarify: Tell in short and clear sentences what you saw.

·         Voice your concerns: express your needs or concerns.

·         Complete the criticism by telling something from your personal experience.

·         Appeal: Describe your request in the form of plea. Note and appreciate what a person is supposed to do. Let them know that you know that those behavior changes might be hard for them. Therefore, offer your help. Make sure you offer productive and beneficial help.